1 UP Stephen Baldwin
You know how, sometimes, something will happen in the land of celebrity where one begins from a position of “WTF?”, only to end up at “OMG!!!” seconds later?
There was just such an occurrence this week, as news reached these shores of the latest charitable enterprise to spring up in America: restorestephenbaldwin.org.
For those not up to speed with this corner of celebrity, Stephen Baldwin is a man most commonly described as “a Baldwin brother. No, not Alec. Or William. Or Daniel. No, no. Keep goooing. No. None of the successful ones. Stop! Yes! YES. THAT Baldwin brother! Stephen! The one in The Sex Monster and Shark in Venice (non-shark role)!”
Despite having starred in such surefire bankers, Baldwin has since inexplicably fallen on hard times — finally filing for bankruptcy last year, with debts of more than $2.3 million (£1.5 million). Although it is not in CW’s nature to make sweeping assumptions on how Baldwin could have reached such ruin, it does look at two of his most high-profile recent actions — suggesting that he and Barack Obama have a boxing match “for charity”, and spending his stint on Celebrity Big Brother musing on hypothetical instances where his faith in God might lead to him having to, sadly, sacrifice all his children in a bloodbath — and reflect that it could, possibly, be that it is because Stephen Baldwin is as mad as a bag of hair.
But! Baldwin is a born-again Christian! And they look after their own! Hence the creation of restorestephenbaldwin.com — where the born-again community seek to “restore Baldwin publicly, in front of millions”. This is to be done by sympathetic Christians donating cash — the suggested entry sum is $4.21 — “which will increase Stephen’s platform. And God will get all the glory.”
Should your reaction to this appeal to pay off his unpaid federal taxes be along the lines of “Hahaha! Srsly? Go f*** yourself!”, restorestephenbaldwin.org has some stern words for you. Having thoughtfully included “actual samples of the persecution” Baldwin has received for being a bankrupt born-again Christian — including “Why can’t he just pray to Jesus for money, the conservative a*******?” — restorestephenbaldwin.org insists that, with such comments: “People not only mock Stephen — they mock God.”
No . . . no. CW’s thought about it. It has thought about it a lot. And it’s definitely just mocking Stephen Baldwin.
2 UP Slash
CW bows to no one in its admiration of Slash “Slash” Slash from Guns N’ Roses. As anyone who comes from a small town will know, until you really come of an age to seriously abuse cherry brandy and/or glue, there is really only one thing that can relieve your tedium, frustration and torpor, and that is playing Guns N’ Roses’ Sweet Child O’ Mine 57 times on repeat, at punishing volume, until a sibling and/or parent cuts through the main lead of your stereo with a breadknife.
This week, however, CW fears that the otherwise faultless judgment of the Slashter may have come a cropper. At an airport in Australia, Slash apparently struck up a rapport with the squeaky-clean global pop phenomeon Justin Bieber, 16.
“Maybe the missus and I can take Justin to a titty bar,” Slash offered afterwards. “Australia has some amazing gentlemen’s clubs.”
CW would never wish to contradict Slash. NEVER. Yet it cannot escape the suspicion that Bieber is still so young that his initial response to “some titties” would be hunger — followed by windy-pops and a little nap.
3 DOWN Graham Norton
Geek umbrage this week, as a new, animated BBC trailer for the talent show Over the Rainbow — consisting of a small cartoon Graham Norton — was run during the climax of Saturday’s Doctor Who. More than 5,000 complaints were later logged at the BBC. “What were the BBC THINKING?” one roared. “It ruined the tension!”
CW was fine with the whole thing. Doctor Who is sci-fi! It’s a 900-year-old man in a magic shower cubicle, doing battle with intergalactic crabs and fogs! Is a cartoon Norton so odd? CW presumed that the Doctor had landed in the Land of Tiny Cartoon Nortons and that he and the Doctor were about to do a dance routine — a bit like Gene Kelly and Jerry Mouse in Anchors Aweigh.
4 DOWN Ian Botham
CW likes Ian “Beefy” Botham. Along with Allan “Lamby” Lamb, “Beefy” represents something CW would like to see a lot more of: cricketers with meat-based nicknames. CW wants a “Veal” Richards, “Steak & Kidney” Boycott and Imran “Sausages” Khan.
Anyhow, this week, during an interview with Hello!, “Beefy” mentioned his wine cellar. “I’ve got some stuff that goes back to the last century,” he noted, proudly.
Well, CW doesn’t mean to tinkle on Botham’s parade, but it, too, has wines dating back to the last century! There’s a sticky warm bottle of “petrol station rosé” that’s been in there at least 11 years, waiting for that “special moment” to be opened — and whatever that square bottle is, it’s definitely pre-Parklife.
Indeed, to heap further vintage humiliation on Botham, CW can also boast some paprika from 1992 and a tin of odd-looking beans and sausages that have the use-by-date on only in Greek. Sorry, “Beefy” — but you’re not the only hot-chops bon vivant on the block!
5 UP Kiefer Sutherland
Geek umbrage this week, as a new, animated BBC trailer for the talent show Over the Rainbow — consisting of a small cartoon Graham Norton — was run during the climax of Saturday’s Doctor Who. More than 5,000 complaints were later logged at the BBC. “What were the BBC THINKING?” one roared. “It ruined the tension!”
CW was fine with the whole thing. Doctor Who is sci-fi! It’s a 900-year-old man in a magic shower cubicle, doing battle with intergalactic crabs and fogs! Is a cartoon Norton so odd? CW presumed that the Doctor had landed in the Land of Tiny Cartoon Nortons and that he and the Doctor were about to do a dance routine — a bit like Gene Kelly and Jerry Mouse in Anchors Aweigh.
6 DOWN Katherine Jenkins
This week, the soprano Katherine Jenkins took part in a celebrity edition of Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? For her “phone-a-friend” option, she rang Lord Ashcroft — Britain’s most famous nom-dom tax exile and Tory party donor.
No, dear, CW feels it must explain to Jenkins, patiently. It’s Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? Not Who Be a Millionaire?
7 UP John Cleese
In a world of constant celebrity scandal, it behoves those in the public eye to develop ways of coping with tabloid prurience. You could call it “evil-ution”.
This week the tall, car-thrashing comedian John Cleese appeared to have done just this — as demonstrated on The Graham Norton Show. When quizzed about his latest girlfriend, Cleese replied: “I’ve found someone who is very age inappropriate. Jenny is 39 — making it 31 years’ difference — which is a DISGRACE.”
CW can only issue a low, admiring whistle and say: “Nice one, Cleese. A pre-emptive attack on yourself. Where now, Daily Mail?”
8 DOWN Flavio Briatore
Hot “celebrity baby-naming news” this week: Flavio Briatore — the Formula One mogul — has been blessed with issue. And in a decision that will, eventually, affect us all, he has named that child “Falco”. Yes. “Falco”. As in Falco who recorded the 1986 hit Rock Me Amadeus.
This is clearly a signal that a whole new arena of names has now been opened up for business. In the next few years, CW looks forward to a rash of toddler Eurotrash called, variously, “Limahl”, “Toyah”, “Tin Tin”, “Boy George” and “The Edge”. “Boy George” works particularly well, CW thinks, for twin girls.
9 UP Roman Polanski
Polanski — the director now fighting extradition to the US on child-sex charges dating back to the 1970s — has had a lucky week. As pleas fly back and forth across the Atlantic for clemency, one newspaper reported that Nicolas Sarkozy has handed a letter to Barack Obama and “played the postman” for Polanski.
Well, this is double bubble for Polanski! Not only is he playing a massive diplomatic Joker to stay out of the big house — but he has bagged the President of France playing a high-profile cameo role for his next film, to boot!
10 DOWN Mariah Carey
Sad news from CW’s Mariah Carey Woo Woo Diva Watch Bureau, we’re afraid. Reports reached us this week that the worldwide recession has, finally, reached the pink shores of Carey Land, and resulted in some swingeing cutbacks in Mariahtopia. While Carey’s previous dressing-room stipulation was for £200 bottles of champagne, this has now been slashed to a punitive £150 for a bottle of white, instead. We know. Finally, CW sees the terrible, human toll of this global economic punch in the knackers.